"Hellboy" is one of those rare movies that is not only based on a comic book, but also feels like a comic book - flat and lifeless. The special effects in this movie were top notch - ten years ago. How many times can we watch Ron Perlman in red body paint and facial prosthetics moan and whine and say, "aw crap," and still be expected to laugh? Answer: zero.
The movie is about the Nazis who, in a desperate scheme late in World War II, open a portal to hell. Luckily, some U.S. soldiers manage to destroy the Nazis and close the portal before anything evil could come through - except, of course, a little red demon with a large stone fist. Do they destroy it? Hell no. They raise it and nurture it like some sort of mangy pet! What a bunch of hypocritical morons.
This little red demon, named Hellboy, grows to be a big red demon. Every other aspect of this movie borrowed from as many other movies as it could. Hellboy is in love with a girl who embarrassingly bursts into flames whenever she gets upset. Does this sound like Firestarter anyone? I just want to know where she buys all of her fire-proof clothing. In the meantime, Hellboy and a Jar Jar Binks rip-off, Abe the fishboy, work for a secret branch of the FBI that exists solely to protect clueless citizens from unbelievable creatures, a la Men In Black. Maybe it isn't the movie itself that is unoriginal. The movie is simply based on a comic book that is, itself, unoriginal.
Then, there was one transition that was one of the worst cuts in the history of movies. Liz, Hellboy's firestarter girlfriend, saves the hero by filling a cave with fire, which shrivels the attacking creatures and their eggs into burnt marshmallows. The next scene cuts directly to another cave in which the good guys are held captive by the evil Nazis, and Hellboy is immobilized in gigantic custom-made stocks that conveniently have an extra-large hole for his oversized right hand. It is almost as if the movie-makers didn't want to be creative anymore and, instead, decided to force the audience to read between the lines and fill in the gaps themselves. Is this just a ploy to force the curious to buy the DVD to see what important scenes they cut out? No thanks, I'll pass.
